A New, HATED, Reality

Paulette (Auntie P)

April 19th was one of the saddest, hardest, days of my life. April 19th is the day my wonderful, beautiful, amazing, Aunt passed from this world to go and be with her God.

I hadn't seen Auntie P in about five years but I spoke to her on the phone and often shouted messages to her while she and my mother were speaking. Usually, my shout would be, "Hi, Auntie P!" And in the distance, I'd hear her reply, "Hi, Darling!" I think the only time she didn't call me Darling was when she was angry at me, which thankfully wasn't often.

Before my mother moved here and I would visit Jamaica, wherever I saw Auntie P, the office, her house, Church, etc., I'd say to her, "Auntie P, I need a hug." And no matter what she was doing she'd immediately stop and give me a hug. And boy oh boy, did she know how to give a good hug. I miss those hugs now.

Paulette, Nadine

March 15th, Auntie P was diagnosed with cancer. By the beginning of April the family was being called home to say goodbye. After a lot of hassles and headaches, I finally had no choice but to leave Matthew with the babysitters here because I was unable to get him a passport. I arrived in Jamaica on April 16th. I spoke to her. I told her how much I love her. She gave me one last hug. I like to think she waited for me to get there. And surrounded by her husband, her children, my mother, two friends of the family and myself, she left us at 9:55 pm on April 19, 2010.

My cousins have been troupers. Their "North Star" is gone and they are fighting a good fight. So when I read or hear people telling them stupid things like, "Be a big girl!" or "You have to be strong!" I want to just slap those people. To steal a line from one of my cousins, why should [they] be strong when [they aren't]?

I think sometimes people don't know what to say so they say stupid things but sometimes people are just stupid, too. If your heart is shattered into a million pieces then you have the right to cry and scream and rage. That is your right. If your heart feels like it will never mend and breaking a few plates is going to help, then go smash them into dust. If your world has been turned upside down and shaken and the only thing that is going to help is to tell the world to F off, then do it.

And when nothing else is working and you don't think anyone understands, then go outside and rage at God. He has broad shoulders, He can handle it and most importantly He will understand.

I miss you, Auntie P!

I HATE this new reality!

My heart breaks daily for all the time we won't get to spend together, for the fact that she will never meet my son and for all the years I will have to wait before I can finally say again, "Auntie P, I need a hug."

Please, readers, go and hug someone you love right now and tell them you love them because one day it will be too late.

Cheers :-)
- Rainforest Mommy